“It will all work out”

“It will all work out”

Yes, I’m sure it will, but that cliché is not comforting.

I’m struggling a bit. This adoption application process is causing anxiety and stirring up emotions. I feel lonely in those feelings. Although I have a great support system of friends and family, I don’t feel like they understand. My husband understands, but it feels like we’re alone in this. It feels similar to our struggles with decisions about endo surgery and infertility. Now, everyone seems to think adoption is this easy, fun thing. Yes, it’s beautiful and exciting, but it’s also hard.

It makes sense. It’s so hard for us to understand and empathize with people over things we haven’t experienced. It’s hard to put ourselves into another’s shoes. Plus, everyone’s experience and perspective is so different, even when going through similar circumstances.

Then there’s the difficulty of being with people in pain. It’s hard to see a friend struggling with something. It’s so common to want to take the pain away and to feel uncomfortable when that’s not possible.

I think that’s where a lot of these clichés come from. People’s intentions are good. They want us to feel better.

So my friend says “It will all work out” and moves on to the next topic. Sigh.

I want to tell her how scared I am that the agency will reject us. I want her to understand how few agencies there are in my state, how few adoptions take place in a year. I want to explain my fears about funding our adoption – how it could potentially cost more than my annual take-home pay to cover one adoption. How it could mean that we aren’t able to adopt more than one infant, how it could mean that we aren’t able to afford to buy a home, and how we will get this kind of chance only once because we will not be able to save or borrow this much again. It feels like a miracle that it’s even an option for us. I wish I could explain how difficult it is to choose an agency and how worried I am about making the wrong choice. How I still mourn the children we won’t have even while I dream about the child we will welcome into our family. How it pains me that our hoped for joy is such a loss to another mother and father, how hard these things are likely to be for our child.

I don’t think the agency will reject us, but I don’t know that much about them or how they make those decisions. I don’t know how selective they are. It will comfort me so much once we get accepted. That’s what I feel worried about right now.

So, yes, I think it will all work out. I gave myself a pep talk in the car today:

I need to have faith – faith in God, faith in my husband, and faith in myself. We will not give up even if we get rejected. I will not give up. I know we will be great parents and I believe we are meant to have a family. It’s in God’s hands and I believe that there are children out there meant for us, meant to share our lives. I won’t give up and, therefore, it will all work out.

I guess sometimes I just need someone to listen and validate my feelings and maybe give me a hug. Instead of “it will all work out”, I would love to hear something like “that sounds really stressful, but I can’t imagine why they would reject you.” I could use a hug and a glass of wine.

Pomarao_-_almond_blossom_and_bees_(13351587704)

Image: Almond blossoms, Wikimedia commons

Copyright Snowdroplets 2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 responses to ““It will all work out”

  1. Well as you know, I know how you feel. We are now at 10 months in our domestic adoption wait after 2 years in our failed International adoption wait along with all the IVF garbage. Three days ago we got a call from the adoption agency asking us if we would hurry up and scan a copy of our profile book into a PDF (they don’t have online versions, only paper, believe it or not) because they wanted to submit our profile to a birth mother who was relinquishing that day, so for the first time I thought it was actually possibly going to happen… but then we never heard anything. I went from zero to 60 back to zero in two days time and it was nauseating to put it mildly…

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    • ❤ If you don’t mind me asking, how many times in 10 months has that kind of thing happened where your profile has been shown to a birth mom? Did your agency contact you after the fact to let you know her decision? I worry about being picked and then she changes her mind, but I guess it’s just part of the risk we take on this path.

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