I’m through the hardest part, I think, but it still feels like a struggle. Some days are really hard. The last week has had some really hard times. I feel so sad sometimes. It’s hard to get over.

This week marks a year since discovering the recurrence of my endometriosis. I had laparoscopic excision of severe endo in 2012 and hoped it was gone for good. I knew it could make pregnancy difficult and, in 2012, I had just met the man who would become my husband. I hoped we might be lucky. We were lucky – so much in love, so well suited for each other. Unfortunately, we didn’t get pregnant and by Feb 2016 I had been suspecting the endo was back. I had an ultrasound one year ago. Someone I didn’t know called me and gave the me news over the phone. I remember I was at work and just cried and cried when I found out.

That began such an incredibly hard year. So many appointments and tests and specialists and expense and uncertainty and sadness. Honestly, it was agonizing. Incrementally learning the truth, all of the bad news, the loss of our dreams, our changed and uncertain future, the mental and physical challenges of my surgery and surgical menopause. The worst part was having to decide what to do, being responsible for deciding to remove my ovaries. It ended up being entirely necessary, but we didn’t know that for sure until the surgery was underway and we had already decided it was best to have them out.

Yesterday, I had another follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He is such an amazing doctor, very experienced and competent, and very compassionate and caring. I’m so thankful to have found him to help me through this. Anyway, my appointment went well. My hormones are on the right track – improving with the addition of more estrogen. We have a plan in case I continue to have problems with my hormones. We even discussed adoption and I got a recommendation for an agency to look into. I don’t need to go back for another year unless I need to change the hormones again.

Despite this good appointment and good news, I left the appointment feeling devastated and full of grief again. After lunch I cried and cried. I ended up unable to go back to work in the afternoon. I went to bed and stayed there the rest of the day. I felt like a wrung out rag. Must have been this residual grief being stirred up again. I’ve survived. It’s real. I don’t have ovaries anymore. I will not have a biological child. We have the challenges of adoption ahead of us (which I’m looking forward to but anxious for it to work out). I have new symptoms like insomnia to add to the old ones. I think I felt sadness just for the reality of this past year. I was wiped out, crushed.

I did better today until the afternoon. By 3pm, I was close to tears again but stuck in the office. I still feel quite sad, but I keep going and will get better.

I think it’s the sadness of the anniversary and still grieving for what has happened. I survived and now that the intensity of survival is past, more sadness can come out. I need to be easy with myself and let it be. Continue to endure with faith that we’ll get through it and have a family somehow.

Other hard moments recently –

• Watching the movie Arrival. The movie was great, really enjoyed it. However, there is a theme of loss of a child and there is an emphasis on the loving couple embracing and saying “let’s make a baby.” That desire is so intense in me and it can’t be done so easily. It felt like a punch in the gut.
• Being invited to my good friend’s baby shower. I can’t attend and need to talk to her about it. I feel anxious about that.
• Shopping for baby gifts for the shower.
• Hearing that another friend gave birth to a sweet baby boy last week, and seeing  his adorable photo.
• Buying gifts for this baby too.

Special moments –

• We bought our future baby’s first clothes! While shopping for my friend, we saw a special cute onesie we couldn’t resist. We bought it in the faith that our baby will eventually arrive through adoption. It may or may not fit, but the idea still makes me happy.
• We are going to meet with a banker about home mortgages! Not sure if we can buy something but we’re going to try. It will happen eventually.

Image: Cherry Blossoms, WikiMedia Commons

Text Copyright Snowdroplets 2017.