Thankful but dreading my return to work

As I head back to work, I have a unique opportunity to reflect on my job and my career after a 4 week time away. I’ve never had such a long break from work since I began working, probably 20 years ago. I’ve changed jobs in the meantime, but never had this separation of not working.

Here I sit, digging as deep as I can to recover physically and emotionally from devastation. I’m coping with the effects of chronic invisible illnesses – endometriosis and fibromyalgia. I’m coping with depression and PTSD. It’s taking all the strength I have, and then some, but I’m doing it! I’m getting there!

Then I face going back to work and I feel awful. I’m thankful to have a job and be able to work, but I am also dreading it. My job has been miserable for years. It’s a struggle and I haven’t been able to find the solution yet. It weighs on me now as I go back to my job, threatens to knock the feet out from under me.

I love my work, but I hate my job. I am passionate about it. I love the work. It’s the management and a small handful of individuals that are making it miserable for me. I just dread returning. I dread the meetings, the pressures, the snarkiness, backstabbing, manipulations, undercutting, overwork, underappreciation, confusion, wasted effort, dishonesty, passive-aggressive nonsense, incompetence, frustration, disappointment…

I haven’t been able to find another job yet, but I don’t want to leave my job. The work is my dream job in the small community where my family lives. I keep searching for coping skills that will get me through until something changes, things I can try to reduce my misery so I don’t get sick from the stress, so it doesn’t poison the rest of my life. I know, I know, a job isn’t worth it. I know that, but I’m the primary breadwinner in a small town with limited options and a career that’s really important to me.

So I’m going back to work. Got to put that armor on. I’m trying to go back with a positive attitude, but clearly I’m not quite there.

This may knock my feet out from under me, but it might not. I’m stronger now than I was. I’m stronger than I think. If going back does knock me down, I will not just lie there. I will crawl and I will get up again.

This nonsense is just a job, small potatoes in the scheme of things, a far lower priority than my own health, my marriage, my future children, etc. The job is pretty far down that list, as it should be.

I’m also not alone. I have my faith, my loving husband, family, friends (including my new blog friends!), all people I can count on who will continue to support me through this.

I don’t see the answer yet. I’m not in a position to quit my job at this time. An answer will come clear. I’m going to look for it with prayer.

Rocks

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Copyright Snowdroplets 2016

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4 responses to “Thankful but dreading my return to work

  1. That sounds stressful, sorry that your job situation is like that. I hope you can find some solution to make things better. Maybe working from home a few days a week? Otherwise keep looking for other jobs or opportunities or talk to HR maybe about some of the issues at your job to see if things could possibly be improved…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know how you feel, Snow. I love my work as a pharmacist but hate the stuff the actual job brings along with it. It’s especially hard having all these illnesses when I work in healthcare; many people think I can’t be “that sick.” I hope your stressors ease up soon; maybe someone will unexpectedly leave and make things easier!

    Like

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