As I head back to work, I have a unique opportunity to reflect on my job and my career after a 4 week time away. I’ve never had such a long break from work since I began working, probably 20 years ago. I’ve changed jobs in the meantime, but never had this separation of not working.
Here I sit, digging as deep as I can to recover physically and emotionally from devastation. I’m coping with the effects of chronic invisible illnesses – endometriosis and fibromyalgia. I’m coping with depression and PTSD. It’s taking all the strength I have, and then some, but I’m doing it! I’m getting there!
Then I face going back to work and I feel awful. I’m thankful to have a job and be able to work, but I am also dreading it. My job has been miserable for years. It’s a struggle and I haven’t been able to find the solution yet. It weighs on me now as I go back to my job, threatens to knock the feet out from under me.
I love my work, but I hate my job. I am passionate about it. I love the work. It’s the management and a small handful of individuals that are making it miserable for me. I just dread returning. I dread the meetings, the pressures, the snarkiness, backstabbing, manipulations, undercutting, overwork, underappreciation, confusion, wasted effort, dishonesty, passive-aggressive nonsense, incompetence, frustration, disappointment…
I haven’t been able to find another job yet, but I don’t want to leave my job. The work is my dream job in the small community where my family lives. I keep searching for coping skills that will get me through until something changes, things I can try to reduce my misery so I don’t get sick from the stress, so it doesn’t poison the rest of my life. I know, I know, a job isn’t worth it. I know that, but I’m the primary breadwinner in a small town with limited options and a career that’s really important to me.
So I’m going back to work. Got to put that armor on. I’m trying to go back with a positive attitude, but clearly I’m not quite there.
This may knock my feet out from under me, but it might not. I’m stronger now than I was. I’m stronger than I think. If going back does knock me down, I will not just lie there. I will crawl and I will get up again.
This nonsense is just a job, small potatoes in the scheme of things, a far lower priority than my own health, my marriage, my future children, etc. The job is pretty far down that list, as it should be.
I’m also not alone. I have my faith, my loving husband, family, friends (including my new blog friends!), all people I can count on who will continue to support me through this.
I don’t see the answer yet. I’m not in a position to quit my job at this time. An answer will come clear. I’m going to look for it with prayer.
Copyright Snowdroplets 2016