My mood has been sinking this week and I’m feeling very low right now.
I’m 3 ½ weeks after my endometriosis excision and ovaries removal by laparoscopy. My recovery has been slow. I’ve been home nearly all of this time. Once I got past the first week, I’ve tried to get out every day to do something, but haven’t been able to do much without getting exhausted or very sore.
I’ve been trying to focus on my physical healing now and deal with the grief later. As I’ve started to feel better and my convalescence extended, the grief I feel about my infertility and illness has started to bubble to the surface.
Normally I would cope with my grief by getting active. I find that laying around tends to feed my depression. I don’t have the same options now until I start to feel better.
I’ve run out of sick leave and am now on unpaid leave. That’s tough financially and I was hoping to be allowed back to work this week. Unfortunately, the approval paperwork hasn’t come through from the doctor so my employer won’t let me work. My supervisor hasn’t been helpful either.
This all makes me feel frustrated and powerless – much like my infertility.
I also feel bored and lonely. I feel forgotten about and uncared for. Being alone feeds my depression as well. I know I’m not actually forgotten about and I know that I’m cared for. It just feels this way because I’m bored and lonely and sad.
Maybe my hormonal changes are affecting my mood as well. I’m in the early stages of surgical menopause and on estrogen and progesterone hormone replacement therapy. I wonder if some of these mood changes are related to the hormones.
I battle depression, manage it. Times like these I feel it like quicksand and am constantly working to escape it. It’s a hard time, but I keep reminding myself that I will feel better.
In any case, I’m trying to be thankful for the many blessings in my life. I don’t want to give in to feeling sorry for myself or to the darkness of my depression. I’m thankful for the surgery, for my doctors, for my health insurance, for my job, for the time off to recover, for my friends and family’s support, for my husband and his new job, for the hopes I have for recovery and improved health, and for my hopes to create a family with my husband somehow. It will get better, just need to have patience…
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