Sinking mood

My mood has been sinking this week and I’m feeling very low right now.

I’m 3 ½ weeks after my endometriosis excision and ovaries removal by laparoscopy. My recovery has been slow. I’ve been home nearly all of this time. Once I got past the first week, I’ve tried to get out every day to do something, but haven’t been able to do much without getting exhausted or very sore.

I’ve been trying to focus on my physical healing now and deal with the grief later. As I’ve started to feel better and my convalescence extended, the grief I feel about my infertility and illness has started to bubble to the surface.

Normally I would cope with my grief by getting active. I find that laying around tends to feed my depression. I don’t have the same options now until I start to feel better.

I’ve run out of sick leave and am now on unpaid leave. That’s tough financially and I was hoping to be allowed back to work this week. Unfortunately, the approval paperwork hasn’t come through from the doctor so my employer won’t let me work. My supervisor hasn’t been helpful either.

This all makes me feel frustrated and powerless – much like my infertility.

I also feel bored and lonely. I feel forgotten about and uncared for. Being alone feeds my depression as well. I know I’m not actually forgotten about and I know that I’m cared for. It just feels this way because I’m bored and lonely and sad.

Maybe my hormonal changes are affecting my mood as well. I’m in the early stages of surgical menopause and on estrogen and progesterone hormone replacement therapy. I wonder if some of these mood changes are related to the hormones.

I battle depression, manage it. Times like these I feel it like quicksand and am constantly working to escape it. It’s a hard time, but I keep reminding myself that I will feel better.

In any case, I’m trying to be thankful for the many blessings in my life. I don’t want to give in to feeling sorry for myself or to the darkness of my depression. I’m thankful for the surgery, for my doctors, for my health insurance, for my job, for the time off to recover, for my friends and family’s support, for my husband and his new job, for the hopes I have for recovery and improved health, and for my hopes to create a family with my husband somehow. It will get better, just need to have patience…

water

Copyright Snowdroplets 2016

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6 responses to “Sinking mood

  1. This stuff totally sucks, both emotionally and physically. We have to just walk through this though and not walk around it so that ultimately we can heal. I know what you mean about physical activity usually making one feel better… I have so many hormones in my system and waiting for this miscarriage to happen is just slaughtering me mentally and physically, and just going out for a walk with my husband is exhausting. I so can’t wait to get out on my bicycle again. Sending big hugs your way…

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  2. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, snow. It truly sounds so rough, especially when the things you usually do to try and lift your mood a little are not easily achievable right now. I’m sure the hormones and the exhaustion are probably contributing to the way you feel, although I know that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Try to be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. I hope it gets a little easier for you each day. Sending love and hugs ❤

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    • Thank you so much. I think a lot of my emotions right now are beyond affected by the hormone changes. I like that reminder to take things one day at a time. That can be easy for me to forget. ❤

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