Today has been a difficult day. It’s my second wedding anniversary with my dear husband, the soulmate I waited so long to find. And today, I find myself caught in waves of sadness after my recent surgery to treat endometriosis and remove my ovaries.
It’s sweet to remember our wedding day, truly one of the happiest of my life if not THE happiest so far! It’s sweet to reflect on our relationship grown stronger during the challenges of our first two years together, and our love grown deeper. It’s sweet to think of how thankful I am to have this man in my life – he’s patient and gentle, kind, honest, hard-working, smart, funny, handsome. I sometimes feel guilty to be so lucky and wish everyone could be as happy as we are together.
It’s bitter to think of our frustrated and devastated hopes – our hope that by now, our 2nd anniversary, we’d have a family of three already. We’re in our late 30s and we hoped that a little one would be here by now, followed by maybe a couple more. It’s bitter to know that, instead, our chances of conception were never good and became miniscule. It’s beyond bitter to know that now we have no chance for biological children. My severe endometriosis and recent surgery eliminated that possibility. It’s been devastating, heartbreaking. Now, we’re going to make other plans for parenthood and we’ll find a way, but I’d hoped we’d be there already and I’m scared somehow it won’t work out.
I was overcome with tears this morning. My giant ovaries left behind a deep, dark space at the heart of me that just aches for children. I hurt physically as well as emotionally, still healing and recovering from the surgery. I’m exhausted and anxious for my hubby to come home. Maybe this will be our last anniversary alone as a family of two, that’s my hope now! Maybe next year will be sweeter!