Bittersweet Wedding Anniversary and Infertility

Today has been a difficult day. It’s my second wedding anniversary with my dear husband, the soulmate I waited so long to find. And today, I find myself caught in waves of sadness after my recent surgery to treat endometriosis and remove my ovaries.

It’s sweet to remember our wedding day, truly one of the happiest of my life if not THE happiest so far! It’s sweet to reflect on our relationship grown stronger during the challenges of our first two years together, and our love grown deeper. It’s sweet to think of how thankful I am to have this man in my life – he’s patient and gentle, kind, honest, hard-working, smart, funny, handsome. I sometimes feel guilty to be so lucky and wish everyone could be as happy as we are together.

It’s bitter to think of our frustrated and devastated hopes – our hope that by now, our 2nd anniversary, we’d have a family of three already. We’re in our late 30s and we hoped that a little one would be here by now, followed by maybe a couple more. It’s bitter to know that, instead, our chances of conception were never good and became miniscule. It’s beyond bitter to know that now we have no chance for biological children. My severe endometriosis and recent surgery eliminated that possibility. It’s been devastating, heartbreaking. Now, we’re going to make other plans for parenthood and we’ll find a way, but I’d hoped we’d be there already and I’m scared somehow it won’t work out.

I was overcome with tears this morning. My giant ovaries left behind a deep, dark space at the heart of me that just aches for children. I hurt physically as well as emotionally, still healing and recovering from the surgery. I’m exhausted and anxious for my hubby to come home. Maybe this will be our last anniversary alone as a family of two, that’s my hope now! Maybe next year will be sweeter!

Sunflower

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16 responses to “Bittersweet Wedding Anniversary and Infertility

  1. Sending so much love. As bittersweet as it is to wish you would have had a family of 3 by now, when it feels right, you both will make amazing parents. Just knowing that you do have the opportunity to change a child’s (potentially children’s) lives, will be so rewarding. I think there will always be that ache of knowing they’re not biologically yours, but when you look at them and they grow with you they will become your own. Also, Happy Anniversary.

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    • Thank you! My biggest fear is that somehow it won’t happen, but I do believe it will. We’ll have children somehow and will love them every bit as much, and they will be ours. It will just take more time, money, and some emotional roller coasters, but we’ll get there!!

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    • Thank you! Once he came home from work, it got better. We ended up seeing the new Ghostbusters movie in 3D. It was great to laugh and get our minds off things, just have some fun! A movie was a great solution because it got us out of the house, but was still easy for me physically. Good movie too, those women cracked me up!!

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      • That sounds like a lovely way to spend the evening! I love going to the movies. I want to see the new ghostbusters too – I think it looks hilarious. Glad you had fun ☺

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  2. Hugs!!! Sending you lots of love and strength. Try to nurture your relationship and make the most of your anniversary. The adoption process can be a little lengthy, but worth every moment. I’m adopted. Family does not = blood. When you have your sweet baby in your arms, so much of the pain you are feeling now will be gone. 💕

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    • That’s what I’ve heard from every adoptive parent I’ve spoken with, and I believe it. I think what I’m really afraid of is that somehow we won’t be able to adopt. I’m worried about the time, the cost, the process…We’re hoping for infant adoption but are also open to adopting older children. I think it will happen eventually and I can hardly wait! Thank you for your note!

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      • Now you’ve heard it from a person who was given up for adoption. My adoptive parents are, and always be, my parents. They love my older brother and myself as much as their miracle baby that they had after me. You will be able to adopt. Set your heart and mind to it, you will make it happen, I have no doubt about it.

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  3. Happy anniversary! You two have a great relationship and that is no small achievement. Not being able to have the life we planned and dreamed of is so incredibly hard to accept. I really hope by this time next year you’ve found a way to grow your family and find peace. Hugs

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