Counseling and now I feel incredibly old

Botanischer_Garten_Universität_Zürich_IMG_4732snowdropsWell, the counseling went fairly well today at the fertility clinic. Unfortunately there was a statement that I just haven’t been able to get over.

We were discussing various options –

  • Donor eggs and IVF
  • Embryo adoption
  • Gestational carriers
  • Traditional adoption

One of the discussion points about traditional adoption included the process by which birth mothers would review our profiles and choose us.

And then she said…

“Many of these birth mothers might see you as their mother’s age.”

[and suggested that, therefore, they might not picture someone my age as the ideal mother for their child.]

Are you KIDDING me?? I’m 38. I’m not that old. Sure, I could have had a child at 20 who’s 18 and having a child now. I have lots of people in my life in their mid 30s to early 40s who are having babies and have relatively young children. I’m not a standard grandmother age! Am I really so old that birth mothers wouldn’t chose me?

My head is spinning with all of this stuff. And that made me feel so old and discouraged. Like I’m old enough to adopt my own grandchild.

That was not an encouraging counseling session. Okay, maybe it’s true-ish, but she could have kept that tidbit to herself today.

Ridiculous.

 

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11 responses to “Counseling and now I feel incredibly old

  1. She was out of line to say that 38 is old for adoption!!!! Almost all adoptive parents are in their 40s!!! Most people don’t turn to adoption in their 20s or even early 30s. And most people cannot even afford adoption on their 20s if they wanted to. There are so many misconceptions out there about adoption, and this is just an example of one of them!

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  2. What the?! Really?! I can’t believe that was said. That is ridiculous. It doesn’t matter the age, as long as you can be a good parent and bring it into a loving environment. That comment has made me angry!! I would take that with a pinch of salt. Other than that I hope you’re doing okay, this isn’t easy xx

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  3. That was such an inconsiderate thing to say. Did she ever think that some birth mothers want their child to go to a stable and established family? Many birth mom’s want better for their child than they were able to offer, that being the exact reason they decide on adoption. You are already vulnerable enough…that was totally unprofessional to say or even imply for that matter.

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  4. Wow that was such a rude thing of her to say! Just because we could have been teen moms having kids who are also teen moms to technically make us grandparents…ugh … I can’t even imagine having gotten pregnant in my twenties with my alcoholic ex-husband… and I felt like a baby then anyhow… at 42 I feel at my absolute prime to be a mother both psychologically and financially, and it’s amazing how some doctors and organizations treat us like we’re senior citizens. With International Adoption we actually only had a couple of countries we could choose from as I was at the end of the maximum age range and my husband at 48 was well beyond it… talk about making him feel especially old! Sending tons of good energy your way, with whatever you guys decide to do next 🙂

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  5. I agree that was a rude thing to say and I think that might actually make the women choose you. I think they want to prepare you for the worst though. Also, it’s counseling at a fertility clinic makes me feel like there may be an alternative agenda there.

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  6. Snowdrops it’s a different scenario, but you have hit on a sensation that I felt very strongly myself from about 37 onwards. When I was diagnosed with endo/low ovarian reserve and trying to come to terms with it, they kept writing ‘maternal age of eggs’ on my notes as the reason for all the failures. I felt ancient, as if I’d skipped a chapter of life (having kids) and fast-forwarded straight through to post-menopause. Honestly I felt so old, it was surreal almost. Luckily it does dissipate.
    However, what a situation! That counsellor is talking rubbish: I absolutely do not agree that they might not picture someone your age as the ideal mother for their child, I reckon it would stand in your favour if they did see you as a mother figure! And what – the counsellor genuinely thinks they are going to meet other 20-year-olds trying to adopt?? Like the first comment said, that’s bull. I’d say they’re almost exclusively all at least 30+; if not more like an average of 40+. Certainly they are here in Ireland. I also had a counsellor saying ridiculous stuff to me: sometimes they should definitely be ignored.

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    • Yes, and I got the feeling she was trying to discourage me from adoption and encourage me to pursue ivf options instead. I’ve decided to just ignore what she said!!

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