Anxiety through the roof

My anxiety is through the roof this morning. We had an appointment for a second opinion yesterday regarding my endometriosis treatment, surgical options, hormones, etc. Afterwards, I couldn’t sleep and I am full of anxiety this morning.

I liked the doctor. He told us mostly things that we already had heard. I’ll try to write a post about it later. It’s hard to understand why I would feel disappointed yesterday and so anxious today. My body feels full of adrenaline. My head feels floaty. My chest feels tight.

I think that I must have been hoping for more clarity after the second opinion. I must have been hoping we’d get this “Aaaaah” moment where the answer would be clear. That didn’t happen. If anything, it seems more muddled.

Everything comes down to whether we want to preserve some of my fertility options. If we do, I will keep some parts and possibly end up with multiple surgeries. If not, he said the best option for my endo is to have a single surgery that includes hysterectomy.

It’s all a balancing act of values, uncertainties, and risks. None of the options are what we want, but at least we have options right? Or is it worse to have to make these decisions? I feel like it’s just tearing my heart apart and my depression is a beast – it might be worse than all of these other conditions combined because it weakens my foundation and clouds my thinking. I just didn’t realize how much grief I would feel. I didn’t think a oophorectomy/hysterectomy would be so soon. I don’t know how to manage my workload at work with all this going on. I just spent the last couple days basically in bed with pain and bloating from my endo. My belly still hurts and is huge. I don’t know how to manage my emotions. I’m afraid I’ll go off the rails! I’m just spinning this morning!

I’m scared either way we go with surgery and overwhelmed by these decisions and the loss of my dreams for what I thought motherhood would be. Trying to stay calm and take things one step at a time.

Just take the next right step and the next one after that…

Outburst_of_Fear_Paul_Klee

Image: Outburst of Fear by Paul Klee, public domain

Text copyright Snowdroplets 2016

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7 responses to “Anxiety through the roof

  1. Just breathe, I promise it isn’t as bad as it seems right now. I had doctors trying to give my a hysterectomy at 15 and told me I’d never have a natural pregnancy, or any pregnancy, and I got lucky enough to have my daughter. Don’t give up yet, maybe start with lesser surgeries or drug options and see how you go! You can do this.

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    • Thanks for the note of encouragement. I have tried a conservative surgery already and drugs and am back to giant endometriomas again. We have a very difficult situation that can be hard to explain. We’ll find a way to have a family somehow. Just have to get through this in the meantime. I am feeling much better than this morning!

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  2. Whether it’s better or worse to have options, I don’t know, but it definitely makes things harder! These are such big issues in terms of the impact they have on our lives, and the emotional toll is huge. I really do empathise, and I think you’re doing so well whilst also coping with the symptoms of endo!
    Sending all good vibes and hope you can work your way through all the options. Maybe writing about your appointment yesterday would help a bit? Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I was suuuuper anxious until around lunch today. Then it was like a fever breaking and I just felt exhausted but better. What a tough morning freaking out! But I made it!

      Liked by 1 person

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