My anxiety is through the roof this morning. We had an appointment for a second opinion yesterday regarding my endometriosis treatment, surgical options, hormones, etc. Afterwards, I couldn’t sleep and I am full of anxiety this morning.
I liked the doctor. He told us mostly things that we already had heard. I’ll try to write a post about it later. It’s hard to understand why I would feel disappointed yesterday and so anxious today. My body feels full of adrenaline. My head feels floaty. My chest feels tight.
I think that I must have been hoping for more clarity after the second opinion. I must have been hoping we’d get this “Aaaaah” moment where the answer would be clear. That didn’t happen. If anything, it seems more muddled.
Everything comes down to whether we want to preserve some of my fertility options. If we do, I will keep some parts and possibly end up with multiple surgeries. If not, he said the best option for my endo is to have a single surgery that includes hysterectomy.
It’s all a balancing act of values, uncertainties, and risks. None of the options are what we want, but at least we have options right? Or is it worse to have to make these decisions? I feel like it’s just tearing my heart apart and my depression is a beast – it might be worse than all of these other conditions combined because it weakens my foundation and clouds my thinking. I just didn’t realize how much grief I would feel. I didn’t think a oophorectomy/hysterectomy would be so soon. I don’t know how to manage my workload at work with all this going on. I just spent the last couple days basically in bed with pain and bloating from my endo. My belly still hurts and is huge. I don’t know how to manage my emotions. I’m afraid I’ll go off the rails! I’m just spinning this morning!
I’m scared either way we go with surgery and overwhelmed by these decisions and the loss of my dreams for what I thought motherhood would be. Trying to stay calm and take things one step at a time.
Just take the next right step and the next one after that…
Image: Outburst of Fear by Paul Klee, public domain
Text copyright Snowdroplets 2016