Last week, I went for an ultrasound to check for a recurrence of endometriosis. I described that in my last post.
Then I got a call at work with results and bad news. I’m not even sure this post will make sense because I’m still feeling so upset.
I have endometriomas on both of my ovaries again.
What to say about that… I’m beyond disappointed. I closed the blinds on my office windows and sobbed on the floor. Once I could put myself together, I went home and signed out sick for the day. It’s not so much the endometriosis that I was crying about; it’s my hopes and dreams of having children. I know, I know, people with endo go on to have children and do just fine. That’s not the entirety of my story and reasons why it’s not likely to happen for us. This is just one more obstacle. Not to mention, this news sucks regardless.
I’m not that surprised since I’ve had symptoms that made me suspect recurrence, but I’m still very disappointed. I described my diagnosis in a previous post (https://snowdroplets.wordpress.com/2015/10/01/my-endometriosis-diagnosis/). In a nutshell, I was diagnosed in 2012 and had a laparoscopy to treat a severe case. I then did a 6-month hormone regimen to cause a temporary menopause. Since then, I haven’t used hormonal treatments because I was hoping to get pregnant despite all of my challenges. I never did have much pain from the endo (except one incident when I think a cyst burst, that one hurt A LOT) and haven’t had much pain since then. The lack of pain combined with my regular follow-up exams led my surgeon to hope a recurrence wasn’t happening.
But it is.
At my last appointment with the surgeon, who I love, it was a really difficult visit. I cried and told him how depressed I’ve been about not having children and he very strongly encouraged me to investigate more options and reconsider my options. I don’t think he fully grasps the difficulties of my fibromyalgia like the OB doctor did, but anyway, it stirred up my hopes again and my doubts about our decisions. From there, I was referred to the ultrasound and a fertility specialist. I’m also going to see a rheumatologist.
I don’t know how bad things are yet. I just got a call from someone I don’t even know at the surgeon’s office. I know there are endometriomas on both sides and nothing more.
My next appointment will be with a mental health counselor who specializes in fertility issues. Thank God! Oh, I hope she’s good. And then I see the rheumatologist. Then the fertility doctor. Then I go back to the surgeon and make some difficult decisions with my husband.
&43)4*#$&(_)Q93 857_@*(#_(*%&_(#$*&_%(^*&_( !!!!!!!!
I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself. There’s so many questions to answer yet. Still, I’m afraid a hysterectomy is in my near future and no babies. At least not one I carry. I already started to accept that adoption was going to be the route for us. Working through that.
I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. This is bad news, but I’ll be okay.
Text Copyright Snowdroplets 2016.
Image: Detail from Entombment of Christ, 1672, in Saint-Martin Church in Arc-en-Barrois (Haute-Marne, France). Photo by Vassil – Own work, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5009515 I am not comparing my tears to those shed at the entombment of Christ and I don’t want to be overdramatic. It is just such a beautiful photo and the tears fit my feeling today.