I know people say things like, “God never gives us more than we can handle,” but I don’t think that platitude is really true. Plenty of people are broken by circumstances beyond their control. Most are then able to put themselves back together. I know that if this time in life is really more than I can handle, I will put myself back together and I will be okay.
So, you might ask, “why are you losing your shit?” Well, the main reason is that I’m devastated over not being able to have children due to a combination of complicated reasons. I had hoped more than anything to have children until a very recent realization that it would take more than a miracle. I feel so much sadness over this. I feel empty but not a passive kind of empty, not vacuum-of-space empty, empty like a destructive black hole. I feel like my guts are being ripped out. I feel desperately sad and feel like something primal must be causing me to feel this way. I believe we will have a family one way or another, but first I have to come to terms with this loss and the recurrence of depression that it has triggered.
In addition to infertility, I’m also losing my shit over the chronic pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia, endometriosis, migraines, anxiety/PTSD, and depression. I’m 37 and have been in pain since I was 23 and don’t expect to be cured. I’m grieving my health. On top of that, I’m the primary breadwinner for our family and we depend on my terrible job for income and insurance while my husband is in graduate school. My job is terrible because I passionately love the work, but there are certain people and organizational dysfunctions that are making me miserable. I’m grieving losing the job I love because of some unprofessional jerks. Financially, we are paycheck to paycheck along with student loans. I recently applied and interviewed for a new job. They told me they’re hoping to make a decision this month and now I’m in the agonizing waiting game trying to stay hopeful without getting my hopes up. All of this was difficult enough… and then a couple days ago, the landlord for our rental gave us 30-days-notice to move out. All of a sudden we also have to find a new place to live! Especially with my fibro, packing and moving everything over the next month just seems so overwhelming.
Fortunately, I have much to be grateful for. #1 is my husband. I waited a long time to find him and had given up at one point before we met three years ago. He is so loving and supportive and I feel so very thankful that we are tackling life as a team. I also am very thankful to have loving, supportive friends and family that I know will be there for me. I have a job and health insurance. Even when I cry on my way to work, I know others are not so fortunate and I am thankful. I have excellent doctors and treatment providers. I have been dealing with my health problems a long time now and have learned how to seek help when I need it.
I’m trying to focus on that gratitude, love, my faith that things will get better, and whatever small steps I can take in order to take good care of myself and improve my situation. It’s a real daily struggle right now, to be honest, and I feel like my life is blowing apart right now. I do know I can put it back together and be all right eventually.
Text Copyright Snowdroplets 2015